Four people are walking silently up
the track with two dogs following behind. It is dusk and a full moon is rising as the light drains from the sky. We stumble over small red rocks and cacti, as we make our way towards the gully. When we arrive in front of the agave with its vast candelabra of flowers, there is an awkwardness in
our silence I can’t quite fathom.
It is the end of Indian summer. These giant lilies now command the slopes with their
tall stalks and ornate flower heads. Agaves are sometimes known as the century plant
because they flower only once in their long lives. They build up
reserves for this great event over years. The plant becomes like an artichoke
with a heart full of ever-increasing sweetness, waiting for the right time.
Then one day this heart bursts forth: a huge green pole shoots into the sky,
branching into fifteen or more arms and unfurling gold honey-scented flowers beloved by hummingbirds, moths and long-nosed bats. Once the
flowering is over the plant dies back: its cycle complete. Deep into the desert
you can find ancient roasting pits where hearts of agave were once cooked
and fed a whole tribe. You can use everything, Fransciso once told me about his chief medicine
plant: the leaves, the flowers, the root. You can even use its needles for
acupuncture and to sew clothes. And use the agave fibre for
thread.
The agave points towards the sky on
the hillside, like the needle of a compass, directing our gaze towards the
bony face of the moon. Here at the beginning, I think, and now at the end. I remember the plant on the red hill above the town, how it had anchored me,
so I could chart my own position in a rocky time. It was the first plant to make itself known
that summer, the first to come in a dream: its straight spire stem fusing with
my back bone, pulsing with energy. I'm feeling the co-ordinates
shift once more, as we prepare to leave.
We stare upward into the flowers, the moon comes over the hill. There is a stillness around us in the
twilight, on the dark hill, but an unspoken turmoil
inside.
I don’t make an essence with
the agave flowers that night, but I do have a dream: in the dream a voice tells me:
It
is important that the agave is the mother.
ii
In Mexico, the agave or maguey has
been used for centuries, not as a food but as a drink. The
well of the plant, its heart, is filled with a sweet nectar known as aguamiel or honeywater. This is the
foundation of pulque, the fermented drink that intoxicated the ancient tribes
of Mesoamerica. When the European conquistadors overran the Aztec and Mayan
empires, they brought to this once sacred drink their refined and barbarian
arts: the beer-like pulque was distilled into the more potent mescal and
tequila. Tequila became the national drink of Mexico. By the twentieth century
this liquid silver and gold began to flow across its borders and found its way
into the sophisticated quarters of every modern city. Now thousands of wild
agaves are harvested each year to fuel not just the domestic cantinas, but all the cocktail bars
of the world.
The goddess of the maguey is known
as Mayahuel. Unlike most Aztec gods she is beneficent. She is so beneficent to
humanity, providing them with rope, thread, paper, needles, food, soap,
medicine, building materials and alcohol, she has four hundred breasts. Like
most Aztec gods, this is a double-edged gift.
When we arrive at the town of San
Miguel de Allende, everything looks the same. The old colonial buildings in
their colours of rose and terracotta, ochre and acquamarine, their garden walls
tumbled with bourgonvillea, the wonky cobbled streets, the shady square where people gather at dusk. Seven years ago it was a lively bohemian hang-out for
long-distance travellers and American exiles. On the first morning we walk past
the courtyard where we once lived. The gate is open and we peer in at the great
tree that shaded the apartment block with its curly grilled windows and
balconies. There is an old man there wandering about vaguely in baggy trousers:
“Can I help you?” he says,
blearily. The place feels depressing, stagnant, unloved.
“I don’t think so, Mark,” I whisper
fiercely, “Let’s go.”
Everything looks the same but it is
not the same. Something has changed. Something I don’t understand yet. We go to
the square where the urracas are
gathering, like starlings in a European city, to roost for the night. Urracas are myna birds: they have
oil-slick feathers and a wicked gleam in their orange eyes. And they like to
talk. They have got so much to say to one another at the end of the day they
take at least two hours to settle down within the thick shiny foliage of the
trees.
This is the time when the people of San Miguel also like to gather in the square - to talk, exchange news, before departing home for the night. The small bright-painted taco stands do a brisk trade. We go to
sit below the trees and an American woman comes and sits beside us. And talks.
She has got a big theory about the financial situation of the world which she
wants to share. The non-stop talking is amusing at first but then it starts to
be annoying. I like listening to the birds, but I don’t like being talked at by
another human being as though I am not actually there.
Later we go to the bar where Mark
had first met Robert and ordered him to join us in a play, and we drink our
first tequila. A margarita, stone-cold, salt-rimmed, doused with the juice of
tiny sweet-sour Mexican limes. It is shocking after so many dry months in the
desert and runs like fire in our veins. We start to talk in that animated way
you do after drinking tequila, or any distilled drink. But when the initial
effect wears off, I feel an edge in the night creep in I had never felt before:
an edge of darkness.
Walking back to the hotel, past the
square where the birds are now quiet and sleeping, I realise I am in a
different time. It is longer the time of singing with Ellen in our courtyard,
of reading our books out loud in the café, of taking part in plays and
workshops, of our great voyages to the mountains to take peyote, walking
with Robert up the cobbled street, arm in arm, seeing women in men’s bodies and
men in women’s, catching turquoise taxis with Julianne and Susie to the
mineral baths outside the town. It is no longer the time of going to
neighbourhood markets and coming back to my small kitchen to cook up great
feasts, perfumed by chocolate and coriander, to lie down in the stormy
afternoons, watching the turtle doves in the great pepper tree.
It is a
different time because I am different. But it is a different time for the town
too. We left years ago, but something else has also gone.
iv
Before I knew Mexico
and had just met Mark, he came by my London flat one day and said: Who’s Helen?
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“There is a spirit here,” he said
in that nonchalant way he had when talking about metaphysical things. “Quite
naughty,” he added and looked across to an old oak desk, secreted in the corner
of the room.
“I don’t know anybody called
Helen,” I said.
I fell silent, imagining ghosts. I
didn’t like the idea of my flat being haunted. I looked at the desk and it was at that point I
realised he was talking about my grandmother.
“What is she doing here?” I asked.
“Perhaps you should answer that
question yourself,” he replied.
We leave our spirits in places sometimes,
and sometimes we need them back. Sometimes our spirits long to return to a
place, but do not know how to proceed. The desk belonged to my maternal
grandmother, who had been born in Lancashire and lived her married life on the
edge of the Yorkshire moors. Who was this person, outside my small child’s
memory of her? I caught a train North to find out.
I went to the house where she had once
lived, which I had never seen. I stood in front of this ordinary suburban house
and looked into its neat garden. That’s when I knew what to do. I walked into the
town and booked a room in the inn, and spent all day up on the moors. I needed
to get in touch with something, I wasn’t sure what. I just knew I had to walk
the territory my grandmother had once walked.
It was windy and grey up on the
moor, but within its wide open expanse I felt at home. It was as if
something unwound in me. I lay down in the springy folds of the heather, drank
water from a dark brook, gazed up into the sky, felt immersed in the elements,
my head full of sky and air. It felt good to be out of the city. I walked for
hours in all directions. I did not meet anyone. As I walked around the land, in
all that space, I thought about the person who shared my name, whom I hardly
knew. When I returned to London the next day, something had shifted. Helen had gone.
After that I took to walking by
places that had once held me in their arms: the country cottages of my
childhood, boarding school classrooms, basement flats I had shared, terraced
houses where ex-lovers still lived. I walked past them deliberately, but
without a plan, sometimes pausing to look at the new painted door, or a
familiar tree now in bloom. I took note of whatever feelings or thoughts arose,
a detail my eyes caught, the sharp inner recollection as it surfaced. Most of
these walking by sessions were
uneventful. Sometimes I felt troubled as I stood there, or had dreams. Often I wept for no apparent reason, and
afterwards felt clear. Whatever happened during the visits, there was always a
feeling of release afterwards, of old nostalgias dropping away. What remained
was the spirit of things. The essence of places and time.
My naughty grandmother sat in her
Shropshire bungalow in a Bohemian black turtleneck, teaching my cousins to
smoke cigarettes. She played Liszt on the piano, painted watercolours and
invented a host of imaginary ailments, so that you knew never to ask how are you? on the telephone, or the talking would never stop. She called herself
Helen, but her real name was Charlotte Ellen. Ellen was a maid’s name, she said. After she died, she led me back to
the wild places, to the wide expanse of moorland under the Northern sky where
her spirit had once roamed free. That was a different grandmother.
You walk by: something goes, but something
else remains.
v
The second margarita is served in a
hotel by the municipal gardens where English-speaking films are sometimes
shown. Tonight there is a documentary directed by the artist, Julian Schnabel,
about the Cuban poet, Reinaldo Arenas, called Before Night Falls. It is a story about a man who loved nature and
freedom and, like many radical poets, fell foul of the petty bourgeois
nationalists and their repressive regime that followed the revolution. Arenas
survived the horror of the Havana gaol by writing letters on behalf of his
fellow prisoners, and later escaped to live and die in poverty in New York from
AIDS.
All the way through the film an
American couple are talking behind us, their voices grating and sharp in the
darkness, interrupting the film:
“Shhh!” I tell them. At first
politely, and then annoyed. “Be quiet”! I say loudly and glare at them.
Eventually the couple leave, but
the atmosphere is jangled afterwards: an edge of darkness before
night falls. On our way back to the hotel Mark and I stop by the square and
drink hot chocolate and thick maize pancakes, known as gorditas. The Mexican women sit in front of their napkin-covered
baskets with flowers in their shiny dark hair, smiling. It feels good to
be out in the open air.
Mexico is not a light place. Its
long history of conquest, inquisition, genocide and revolution, are as dark as
any modern nation’s. There were dark things in the gringo quarters too when I
lived here. There were paedophiles, alcoholics, failed Hollywood movie stars,
disturbed Vietnam vets, bankrupts, drug addicts. Seven years ago, I didn’t
notice them. These dark things were covered over by our singing in the cafes
and our theatrical performances. By the self-absorption in our writing and travelling.
But they were also covered over by something else. San Miguel was a stronghold
in those days for new age spirituality. While the Mexican townspeople gathered
in the ornate turquoise churches, the gringo community came together in
spiritual gatherings, ecumenical services, discussion groups for 'lightworkers'.
Amongst the congregations were healers, bodyworkers, horse whisperers, edge
dancers, leaders of drumming circles, new men and women who ran with wolves. A lot
of adventurous metaphysical work went on behind these colonial walls. Some
of these things I took part in. This was before I had come to my own
conclusions about the new age among the red geraniums in Santa Fe.
In 1993 the American Dream was not
just about materialism, it was the spiritual dream of the world. Most seekers at that time
believed that America, with its exploratory, future-looking spirituality and native tribal heritage, would lead the way in a quiet revolution of consciousness. But seven years later, as I
walk by, there are no longer notices for these paradigm-shifting events. The meetings
are not happening. Some of the people we knew then still lived in these coloured
houses with their orange trees and tiled fountains, but they are talking in a
different way. The preacher who once spoke luminously about god is talking
about land rights. The owner of the café where we once sang and gave readings is
talking about the prostitutes in Cuba. The dress shop owner who looked after
our cat is talking about witchcraft and dangerous neighbours. No one is talking
about poetry anymore.
You hold on to these spiritual
dreams for a long time, hoping one day they will come true. You hold on to the
idea of an 'American' future as beneficent and evolutionary, but that does not
mean the idea is real. You held on to the idea of your grandmother, when she
was someone else entirely. She lived in a house which was silent, unknown to
you. But that did not mean she was not there.
In the Mexican town where the
gringos live, something is wearing thin and the talking is not covering it up. A skull is showing through.
Underneath the suburbia of my grandmother’s life, the bones of a landscape were
appearing: granite, shale, gneiss, basalt, flint.
Above our heads, the full moon
rises over the rooves of the town in a clear and endless sky. “I call it the
summer of death,” said the American teacher who used to sing with Mark in this cafe. We
were on our way to have supper in a house where Mark once lodged,
Before there was talk of paintings and spirit in this house, now there is talk of
lawsuits and property, about a young man dying. The kitchen feels enclosed and full
of shadows. It is not personal this moment: it feels bigger than that, as if
this once-bright lifestyle had become endarkened, was
downgrading, fragmenting. On hills above the town the gringos
who were once Bohemians are building villas, with maid-service and
swimming pools. But down in the square the dream is not holding. I sip my third
margarita out of a sticky blue glass and find myself unable to speak. When I
wake up the next day, I feel stiff and poisoned and decide not to drink tequila
anymore.
vi
It’s
important that the agave is the mother means the agave needs to flower.
Without the flower life does not continue. The moth does not arrive in
the night to drink its copious nectar; it is not pollinated, it does not set
seed. The agave does not flower when its heart is ripped out to make tequila.
Agave is a terrifying plant to consider in Mexico. Its thorns were once used to prick the skins of sacrificial
victims - known as flowers
because of the blood that spurted from their chests when their hearts were
ripped out. As these cultures degenerated and the rites in their city temples grew more frenzied and mad, priests demanded thousands of the people’s hearts be given to satisfy
the insatiable lust of their god, Huitzilopochtli, There could no more brutal
and literal expression of the 'spiritual' price civilisations exact from the human heart. You could be deceived by the temple statues of sorrowing saviours and dancing devas in other countries, but when you
look at the carvings of Mexican gods with their spiky and horrifying faces it
is impossible to gloss over their barbarity. Even the abundant Mayahuel is hard
to look at with her four hundred breasts.
What is not hard to look at are the
real flowers of Mexico. For in late September there are flowers everywhere: morning glories tumble down the walls in midnight blue, sky blue,
scarlet and magenta; lion’s ears, wild tobacco and trumpet vines spring
exuberantly between the cracks of every building; sunflowers and
devil’s claw overtake every vacant lot. A vase of fragrant tuberose permeates our rooms in the old hotel. We talk about our
dreams on a balcony under a poinsettia tree, and spend each day walking by, without a plan. Mark collects coral beans from the street
and puts them in his pocket, takes photographs of prickly poppy and castor oil
plants. I step across carpets of wild dahlia, zinnias, and marigolds on my way
to the mineral baths. In the cool courtyard of the bellas artes school I sit with my notebooks, surrounded by monstera
leaves and bamboo.
We are released into endless balmy afternoons: from the hard
martial grip of the American desert into the warm and bountiful arms of Venus.
On one of these afternoons I go to a
lecture on cosmic time at the library. It takes place in a room where an artist
is quietly at work painting a mural of Quetzelcoatl, the feathered-serpent of
the morning star who was banished from the Mesoamerican pantheon, because he
had no taste for sacrifice. The Aztecs and the Maya are famous for their
intricate calendars of cosmic time which revolve around the axis of Venus. When
the conquistadors came they forced everyone to live their lives according to
linear time – the time of the clock – rather than original or ancestral time,
thus making their rigorous balancing of past and present unnecessary. 'Now'
became this monodimensonal moment, rather than a 'now' in which all time and all
dimensions are held.
In linear time there are no cosmic consequences. But in
Mexican culture, the lecturer informed us, the creation does not begin with
birth but with death. Life comes from the bones of the ancestors. There are
always consequences. When someone in the audience asks the lecturer about the
ancestors he looks nervous and starts to backtrack. It is all right to talk
about ancestors as if education has got them under control, filed under history
and mythology, but not as if they were still here. Not as if they were real.
The conquest destroyed them, he repeated, several times.
But we all knew, even though we
could not say this to each other, that the conquest had done nothing of the
sort. We were in Mexico after all, not
the United States.
We get nervous because at some
point the agave has to flower. At some point you have to pay. At some point the
ancestors say the past is not in balance with the present and if you don’t do
something about it, they will. All ancient peoples know this and make the
balance in their own ways, whatever the conquest says.
In 1993 I did not go to fiestas,
but in 2001 I do. The patron saint of the town, San Miguel, the archangel
Michael, slayer of dragons, is celebrating his victory at the end of September.
The gate leading to his church is covered with marigolds and tonight great
rockets will be thrown into the air and bonfires burned in his honour. By early
morning the streets are lined with people, craning their necks, up and down the
stony hills, as the procession winds about the town.
Down the street it comes:
a band of musicians and floats, and suddenly you see scores of men and women,
dancing with feathers like the rays of the sun coming from their heads, led by
enormous puppets with large and small heads that seem familiar, but why I
cannot say. It is a parade of all parades. As the procession goes by everyone
breaks out cheering in a wild jubilation. Huge smiling beings, hoisted
on great poles above our heads, bob above us. They are dancing with each other, in
coloured skirts, horn-headed, whirling, sometimes diving into the crowd,
leading the great snake of rainbow-coloured, feathered people through the
streets.
“Who are they, Mark?” I ask.
“They are the ancestors!” he
replies and laughs.
And it seemed to me in that moment as if we had not laughed
for a very long time indeed.
52 Flowers That Shook My World - A Radical Return to Earth is published by Two Ravens Press (£9.99). For further info contact theseakaleproject@hotmail.co.uk
Images: agave flower stem in Southern Arizona (CDC); Mayahuel from the Códice Borbónico (1530s Spanish calendar and outline of life in the New World (wikicommons); graveyard at Heptonstall, Yorkshire (CDC);Mexican sunflowers in the street in San Miguel de Allende (Mark Watson);marigold-studded Cathedral gate for the feast of St Michael, San Miguel de Allende (MW)
52 Flowers That Shook My World - A Radical Return to Earth is published by Two Ravens Press (£9.99). For further info contact theseakaleproject@hotmail.co.uk
Images: agave flower stem in Southern Arizona (CDC); Mayahuel from the Códice Borbónico (1530s Spanish calendar and outline of life in the New World (wikicommons); graveyard at Heptonstall, Yorkshire (CDC);Mexican sunflowers in the street in San Miguel de Allende (Mark Watson);marigold-studded Cathedral gate for the feast of St Michael, San Miguel de Allende (MW)